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Football season is almost here… is what I’ll say in August. The signing of Terrell Owens has transformed Bills Nation from mind-numbing disenchantment to pre-pubescent girls at a Jonas Brothers concert excitement. Now we have to wait a real long time before we Bills fans get to see our shiny new receiver in action.
This begs the question, “What do I do to pass the time?” Well the Sabres are as frustrating as a chastity belt, and if you’re like me then going to work and spending time with your family just isn’t cutting it. So allow me to give you five tips on how to pass the time until football season.
1) Come up with funny names for businesses, then go through your address book and call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while to tell him/her (bonus points if it’s an ex). This is an actual conversation I had with my friend today:
FRIEND: What’s up?
ME: I want to start a sporting goods franchise and call it Dong’s.
FRIEND: Please tell me that’s not why you called me.
ME: …um… *click*
2) Make a list of cool nicknames for yourself and then refer to yourself in the third person to make them catch on. The trick is to switch it up all the time so you don’t get stuck with one name:
FRIEND: Let’s check out that new Tai restaurant.
ME: Ace likes the sound of that!
FRIEND: Who’s Ace?
ME: Big J thinks you already know the answer to that.
3) Write the word “RUN” on a piece of notebook paper. Fold the paper up and urgently hand it to a stranger on the street. Make sure it’s folded though because the time it takes for him to unfold it should give you a healthy head start.
4) Write fake news releases and send them to real newspapers to see if you can get them printed. This is a game I played in college with a few other PR majors. I’ve posted one I submitted in 2005 to give you something to work off of (HINT: The smaller the paper, the better chance they will be too busy to actually read it and just print it):
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
LOCAL ENTREPRENEUR LOOKS TO PUT THE “FUN” BACK IN “FUN CENTER”
BUFFALO, N.Y. (SEPT. 13, 2005)— This month The John Foundation announces its intentions to build a new family fun center in the heart of downtown. The center will be located where the old city post office now sits abandoned, and hopes to transform it from a place people go to do drugs, to a place people can go after they do drugs.
The John Foundation admits it has no funding what-so-ever to build the center and is soliciting donations from the community stating that if the community plans to use it, the community should help pay for it. The foundation also stated that if not enough funds are collected to build the center, it reserves the right to use the money for video games and Doritos.
“I don’t really see it as deceptive,” said Jay Livingston, founder of The John Foundation, “I mean, yeah it looks like we’re doing this for video game money, but we did say a fun center would be sweet and that’s totally true.”
For more information please contact Juan “Speedy” Gonzales, public relations director at (716) 989-4180.
The John Foundation has been serving the community for a while. Just because you haven’t heard of it doesn’t make it not true. Don’t be a hater.
5) Finally, you can start exercising, oh and try a salad every once in a while fatty. Seriously, you paid for one seat on a plane, if you have to take half my seat you can pay for half my ticket.
Hope that helps, if I think of some more I’ll post them… maybe… I’m pretty lazy…